I haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks. NOT GOOD! Oh well. No excuses I suppose. I have been busy with a new project I am taking on. And I have been doing lots of thinking while I run. I am not a runner who runs with music. So I THINK. Some days I don’t think I am a runner at all. But whatever I want to call myself lately it is filled with regret and anger.
I recently bought the move McFarland USA. I am a big Kevin Costner fan. And in this movie he didn’t disappoint. The movie is great. A must see. But it really got me thinking. On runs of course! About running. And running in my past. Running from my past. This movie made me think of my younger days in school. But before I talk about that….you must know I am a life time underachiever. At most everything. Professionally, I haven’t had much success. I had all the tools to succeed. Just never did. Athletically, I had lots of skills as they say. But I also had non supportive parents. One was an alcoholic. That didn’t help. Then or now. I ran in the military. Afterwards I biked religiously after watching Greg Lemond win the Tour de France. Then one day on NBC I watched this thing called Ironman. I drouled and dreamed watching Dave Scott and Mark Allen duel it out in Hawaii. Little did I know all I had to do was move to Boulder CO and join the tri frenzy. Oh how the internet would have helped me then. But those were just passing dreams…or so I thought. So I did nothing!
So back to McFarland USA. In lots of ways the movie shows how lucky Coach White was to have those particular kids in his program. And while that is true, it is the opposite that is more important. They were lucky to have him as a coach! After I watched the movie I thought “Hey I never had a coach find anything in me?” I tried hard in PE. I ran fast…I took all the activities serious. I loved PE. Why didn’t my coaches see what I had athletically? Looking back at it logically…..running may have not been that big back in the late 70s early 80s. I never heard of cross country in high school. We had a team at school, that I know. And I wanted to be a football player. A mean, aggressive linebacker. All 5’6″ 110 pounds of me. See the lack of success on the football field now? I had a “runners” build. How ironic huh!
I am not saying it was my coaches fault for me not finding my running ability in school. Who is to blame? My parents? Maybe no one is to blame. It just is! That is hard to swallow though. I would have loved to have a Coach White to find something in me.
I have been running angry lately. And I shouldn’t. I have been running with regret lately. And I shouldn’t. I am getting faster but that doesn’t really equate into much at age 51. However, what running does for me is this. For some reason I have worked harder on running than anything in my life. I have stated this before! Now in some ways that can be a sad statement. But it is a true statement. Running has given me something I haven’t had before. Funny thing is I don’t know exactly what that is. Yet I feel it. I feel different. Not just physical, but mentally and emotionally. Something is moving and shaking in me. Perhaps it is important that I find out what. Perhaps not. Maybe it just is what it is.
My journey is up to 6.2 miles so to speak. My current destination is 13.1. I am still in my neophyte stage as a runner. Though I have been running since January…I really didn’t start training till after I ran my first run (Pat’s Run) in April. That was my first race. And there something clicked. With all this said, I have so much more to reach my potential. I have two enemies that are in my way. Myself and time.
I need get past the anger and the regret. I need to embrace what I have and live in the moment. If I am indeed running from my past….I am going pretty fast and running into an uncertain future. And running sure beats walking. And I feel pretty damn good!
Maybe this is my beginning. Yeah, let me say that again with more confidence. It is my beginning. Of what. I have no EFFING clue. I will tell you when I RUN into it!
For now. I run.
Till we meet again. Good Day.